Freedom///Justice

Work - a game of value and control

2012-01-17T23:25:00.002+08:00

Work - its about creating your own value, making yourself irreplaceable with your unique talents.

When an employer employs someone, it always comes with a level of expectation. This expectation is usually reasonable, and proportional to the amount of money the employer is willing to pay. Typically, those who don't meet the expected levels of performance get fired, and those that do get hired. But usually it stops there - on the line between getting hired and not - and doesn't get any further. People slog years out at work simply "meeting expectations" see their jobs progress in bits and pieces, but never in bursts and leaps. The reason is precisely because they are only "meeting expectations". If you rewind to the beginning of the paragraph, you would remember that the initial expectations placed on any new found employee are "reasonable", which translates into "easily met", essentially making the person "easily replaceable" with the roughly the same pay, and not worth investing too much on.

If you were an employer an you wanted to hire someone, you would think: $2000 is a reasonable price to pay for someone who can do A,B,C,D,E for me, so I would want to hire a person who can do A,B,C,D,E for $2000. So when you do meet someone who meets those expectations, you happily pay $2000 to hire that person. But after the first year, the person is still doing the same things (A,B,C,D,E), there really isn't much incentive to increase your employee's pay, isn't it?

To be continued.

2012-01-03T23:44:00.002+08:00

I dunno why I'm getting scolded for something that I can't control next-to-everyday...
The excuses I give each day are so thin I feel ashamed when I recite them each day.

2011-12-02T21:26:00.001+08:00

Sorry dear...
I know I've been rather tired and less chirpy lately.
All I need is a short break, and this month would be the month for such a break :)

Love you, always.

2011-11-21T21:10:00.004+08:00

Its like waking up in the middle of the night because the air is so thin - there's so little oxygen that you can feel it.
Its like approaching the next month when you're broke, and your reserves of cash continues to be depleted with each passing day.
Its like being surrounded by nothing but sea water - and unfriendly nations - and the realization that without an immediate solution of water, you and your country are doomed.

What would you do?

Humans have always had a knack for knowing what they need to keep them well and alive, and to foresee any problems - before the problems actually reach them. This is the gift that has enabled us to survive evolution - the ability to adapt, to espouse obsolete methods, to abandon infertile land, to seek new technology.

Think about it.
When a necessity is slowly but surely being depleted around you,
what would you do?
Would you not seek to curb the depletion?
Find new sources?

Then think about this.
Is time a necessity?

-Jw

I, no robot.

2011-11-04T11:08:00.003+08:00

When you triumph enough times, people start looking out for the big and small things, and start attributing all of them to your failures instead.

I don't wanna be in a position where I can't even be upset just because you're upset first. I feel too, and sometimes, I fail.

I really wish we could have a break from work.

No time.

2011-11-02T00:15:00.002+08:00

I don't know how we got here,
but I find myself in this absurb situation where, instead of being able to communicate my thoughts with my own girlfriend freely, it has become impossible to find a good time to talk to you about deep issues. And now, we have come to agree that there's never a good time - only a less bad time.

I understand you're frustrated and there's nothing much you are able to do.
But if work continues to be the centre of all our activities, plans, and constant obstruction to our communication, its going to set us in the wrong direction, no matter how hard we try.

So love, I beg you, I'm not asking for swiping big plans and commitment of large amounts of discipline and time. I'm only ask that you seriously consider the smallest things - habits and tricks to avoid distractions and make yourself more efficient. I hope we are on the same page and it is with great faith in our relationship that I type this, cos I know we can work things out together.

Love,
Junwen.

2011-10-20T20:40:00.002+08:00

Lesson of the day: You can be a success because - not in spite of - your weaknesses. Embrace yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses, and count on them to make you different and be part of your unique path to success.

This chapter from the book 18 minutes got me thinking of my own traits.
Perhaps one of my prominent strength/weakness is the ability to focus/inability to multitask. Its been something I've been instinctively doing since young but did not notice until recently. When I have my sights set on a goal to be achieved or an objective to be achieved, I am usually remarkably determined and fast at achieving them. The flip side of this is that I would also tend to be disinterested in anything else and highly restless if I were told to do anything else but my intended goal. Today's UO was a great example when I started lining up the RAIs into a formation (like dominoes) and everyone thought I was mad or OCD but I just kept at it and before long the whole unit joined in. It truly was a thought provoking moment for me.

Instead of trying too hard to do things that you aren't accustomed to, it may well be easier to just embrace your "weaknesses" as these "weaknesses" may not be what they seem - in fact, they make you different and unique.

2011-10-18T23:54:00.003+08:00

I really really really want to sleep early =(
its not just my mum who wants it.
its me too because this is how i was brought up and how i function and sleeping after 12 everyday is really taking its toll on me.

I'm becoming what I tell others not to be - sleeping late and waking up in the morning not having the mental and physical capabilities to do anything constructive through the day, only to drag myself through the day before going to sleep late at night - again.

=(

2011-10-06T23:37:00.002+08:00

I need to slow down and pause for awhile.
It feels like I'm constantly in a rush even when I'm not working, kinda like how I permanently press down the "R" button when I play PES2011 (for sprinting).

On other stuff, I realise I'm generally quite generous about borrowing stuff to others but when it comes to books, I'm exceptionally reluctant to lend them to anyone unless I absolutely have to. So you should feel pretty honored if I've ever lent you any :) random thought.

2011-09-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

Its like you totally forget that I have my moods, expectations and feelings too.

2011-09-20T19:50:00.003+08:00

Been reading a book on human motivation and realised that, for most of my classes I'm taking right now, it is the extrinsic motivation provided by the money that drives me to teach. Even though I enjoy the process of teaching too, I think I have narrowed my focus too much on the goal of upgrading my financial status as early as I can. I feel that this probably compromises on the intrinsic drive and interest to teach and might eventually cause me to tire of the profession.

So here's the plan to make sure my job isn't just about money and to a certain extent, I'm giving back to society.:
I'm gonna continue taking classes to maintain a stable income until I graduate.
But on the sidelines, I shall dedicate my time to conduct low profit classes -- tuition sessions consisting of 2 to 3 students for only a nominal fee of 20 dollars each.
These students shall receive the same materials (notes, worksheets, etc) as my private students, but will not receive the same attention as my personal students. They will be able to come only for certain topics, as and when they need or like.

I'll need to start producing my own notes and resources... lotsa work ahead!

2011-09-19T18:21:00.001+08:00

Because we are, by nature, proactive, if our lives are a function of conditioning or conditions, it is because we have, by conscious decision or by default, chosen to empower those things to control us. --Stephen Covey

2011-09-10T22:14:00.001+08:00

"Lets walk till the end okay?"
"Okay, we will walk till the end"

<3

Wishes

2011-09-07T17:24:00.002+08:00

Precious,
I want to take you overseas for a holiday,
I want to be able to support you so you won't have to work late into the night anymore,
I want to be more than a supportive role and be able to lead you in life,
I want to be someone your family can trust to take care of you,
I want to make hotcakes, omellette, and all sorts of breakfast with you,
I want to spend my life with you <3

There's so much I want to do with you,
and I really need to work much harder.
Staying within my comfort zone and holding back doesn't work anymore.
Gotta jiayou Junwen!

2011-08-29T22:09:00.004+08:00

"Hey Do you know? When you have a dream.. There are times that are very painful
and there are times when you get really fired up...
or so I hear.
I don't have a dream.
But i can protect dreams"

-Takumi Inui/Kamen Rider Faiz

2011-08-25T07:34:00.001+08:00

never gonna get enough rest at this rate.

can you please?

faith

2011-08-15T07:07:00.004+08:00

Silly girl.
You're not alone,
I'm scared too.
I'm not sure if this would work out,
and I don't wanna lose you.
But after all this time I'm sure the both of us can work things out together.
That gives me the confidence to take this leap of faith even though I know there will be risks.
Have faith too, in us :)

have a little faith.

2011-08-08T17:35:00.003+08:00

putting up a strong front but
can't deny that i'm shaken inside.
wish I had something to hug other than my bolster =/

telling myself everything would turn out fine and clinging on to a bit a faith to keep me going.

I'm not saying this would be easy, I'm saying it would be worth it.
we can break this cycle if you just have a little faith.
in me,
in us.

2011-07-20T22:37:00.005+08:00

knock knock.

you're pushing yourself too much.
just come and sit beside me,
you can fall asleep in my arms.

I'm contented here and now.

we don't have to talk about tomorrow,
or expectations,
or what we are,
if you don't want to.

so please smile :)

Revelations

2011-07-12T10:59:00.005+08:00

When I do things like hang around in an area just to send her home,
intentionally empty my plans on the off chance that we get to spend time together,
it stresses her up even though I tell her its okay.

Because she cares for me.

She would want me to spend my time better. Its irrelevant what I say, or whether I understand her situation. That's not the point. The very fact that I'm compromising my time to wait for her is something that she doesn't want because she cares for me. She doesn't want me to just give, she wants me to gain too. And she's actually been telling me this since the beginning.

She doesn't want me to give up my life totally, to drop all other commitments so that I can always be on standby for her. I don't need to be immune, always ready to function, this is not a CP operation. She wants me to live my own life, have my own goals (other than her), have my own troubles.

And share snippets with one another, and support each other, both ways when the there's opportunity.

2011-07-11T23:46:00.002+08:00

I'm thinking... Perhaps I've been too uptight, attending to every small detail that I can find, hoping not to miss a thing. Worrying when you're worrying, thinking what you're thinking. But what you need really isn't another person to add on to your already overloaded thoughts.

Worry is a redundant emotion because... once I look past the initial worry, I realise that I have faith that you would be able to cope and stand by yourself.

You don't need someone to be constantly on the lookout for you, just someone to share your thoughts with, and once in awhile to support.

I'm sorry I got it all wrong, and its all so messed up now.

But I do hope we can work things out, because you're still important to me.

2011-07-10T19:21:00.003+08:00

As much as I know its ridiculous to miss someone you are always in virtual contact with and just haven't seen for a mere 3 days...

I miss you and it doesn't make any sense at all =/

2011-07-04T22:37:00.001+08:00

We have to cultivate contentment with what we have. We really don’t need much. When you know this, the mind settles down. Cultivate generosity. Delight in giving. Learn to live lightly. In this way, we can begin to transform what is negative into what is positive. This is how we start to grow up.

-Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo

Thought this was rather applicable.

From 李老师's facebook!

2011-06-30T18:05:00.002+08:00

As long as you keep your end in mind,
constantly remind yourself of the value and purpose of what you're striving for,
seek to understand and proactively redefine yourself to achieve your end in mind,
you'll get there eventually :)

Even if sometimes Ideals are indeed too far from Reality.

LoveQuotesRus

2011-06-18T13:05:00.000+08:00

2011-06-06T23:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes all I wanna say is...
"What the fuck. Son of a bitch. Fuck my life."

Just...sometimes.

Colourful!

2011-05-31T23:00:00.000+08:00

To my world of dark blue, red and green, you brought YELLOW and ORANGE. Xie xie ni :D

2011-05-16T08:14:00.000+08:00

I'm accustomed to hard truths.

Back on defence

2011-05-15T16:06:00.001+08:00

I can't fight a war on many fronts and still expect to win.

2011-05-12T09:08:00.000+08:00

Kinda makes you wish you were still the third-person.

Heart versus the Mind!

2011-05-01T21:34:00.000+08:00

i'll be honest... i'm still feeling quite messed up.
but slowly i'm regaining grasp of my thoughts.
some key points i'm beginning to realise:

1. right now, its a partnership, not a relationship. and i'm cool with that. <--understanding this point is vital =)

2. i feel much more comfortable supporting you in the background. <-- perhaps i'm not ready to step up yet too!

3. i shouldn't let the progress and opinions of others stress/influence/sway me because from the start this partnership defied social expectations and norms.

4. i know i can always count on you. and for now, that's enough =)

2011-04-27T17:57:00.001+08:00

make a move, and I'll= take you out. I'm not kidding.

2011-04-11T23:03:00.001+08:00

maybe I'm just afraid of being alone.

2011-03-30T22:49:00.000+08:00

Ever watched Kamen Rider?
Its like Power Rangers, just that the focus is usually on a sole Rider instead of a team of Rangers.

Like Power Rangers, Kamen Rider always wins.
Every week a new threat will emerge, and the main character will dutifully transform (Henshin!) into Kamen Rider and remove the threat.

I look up to Kamen Rider.
He always gets the job done alone, never failing, never complaining. And even when he occasionally gets owned, he will always bounce back with new powers.

But sometimes I think nobody gives a shit about what Kamen Rider is doing.
Maybe there really wouldn't be a difference if Kamen Rider doesn't try so hard.
Maybe it'd be better to let Aliens conquer us. Who knows? They could be benevolent masters o.o
Maybe if Kamen Rider stopped intefering, the Government could properly work out a plan.

So Kamen Rider Kamen Rider, what are you protecting?
why do you protect it?
did someone ask you to?

rara. comical post, messed up thoughts.

rararararara

2011-03-24T21:28:00.000+08:00

...stupid hyper intuition is ringing none stop and I don't have a clue what's happening so I'm just trying to ignore it.

Just try your best, try everything you can.
Everything will be just fine. Everything will be alright.
I keep telling myself that =/

bad time to be overseas km!

2011-03-20T19:28:00.000+08:00

This was the direction that I determined to be the best from the beginning. The Masterplan.
So why is it that now that everything is going to plan,
i'm starting to doubt the direction that i'm moving in at every turn?

Should I stick to the plan?
Or have things changed so much from the original situation that it calls for a different approach?

More importantly, do I want to stick to the plan?
Would it produce the best outcome?

Neutral form heavily compromised.

2011-03-16T20:59:00.000+08:00

I was sharing these thoughts with Kok Wei during the long hours in EMR...
"Nothing is as powerful as the subconcious mind.
Even if you make a concious effort to not behave in a certain way,
As long as your subconcious mind has determined to act in an opposite manner,
The subconcious mind will always succeed in subtly driving you to act in that manner.
The most scary part is that you will always be unaware that the subconcious mind is actually prevailing over your concious effort. You will do things unknowingly, and you will remain convinced that your concious effort is paying off.
In short, the subconcious mind is like a box we're stuck in.
We are only able to act within it, not apart from it.
We may make an effort to get out of it, but we can never be entirely sure that we really are out of it."

Best be true to yourself =/

2011-03-14T22:48:00.000+08:00

Back when I was younger, I shunned all religion.
I would confidently say:" I don't need religion, religion is for people who are too weak to stand by themselves and need something to support them."

Perhaps its because I've gotten older.
Or maybe not, maybe I've really become weak.
But I'm starting to think, I might need a religion.

Cos there are too many questions I am unable to provide answers for by myself.

nope. not gonna happen.

2011-02-28T22:31:00.003+08:00

And the walls will stand, as long as my resolve is firm =)

2011-02-27T00:00:00.001+08:00

The constant struggle between being cautious to the point of paranoia and being careless by taking things for granted. Between overreacting and underreacting.

My life is actually quite similar to that of a CPO.

note to self

2011-02-23T22:03:00.000+08:00

its important to be an observer,
because once you take a personal stance,
you lose your objectiveness and all good judgement along with it.

but its hard to not take a personal stance when its someone you care about :O

It seems I'm also pretty counter-intuitive.

2011-02-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

There's so much to catch up and improve on.

For starters, it was horrifying to discover that my standard of GP has gone into free fall. The lack of a need to think critically and come up with creative arguments has degenerated my mind into a passive and lazy state. Add to that the sudden realization that there is a gap between writing GP essays and other essays (eg. scholarship essays, self-introduction, appeal letters)... my confidence in language proficiency has taken quite a hit =/
The presentation my group had to give today was also quite badly received...
Too shallow... I'm good at arguing on my feet but really suck at doing research.
So there's that, I need to read more and... shape my mind up!

Then there's tkd... I can't keep saying I just became a blackbelt and expect people to forgive the low standards I'm performing at.

I need to improve!

2011-02-16T21:39:00.000+08:00

Gosh I'm exhausted...
After three days of training I have a constant muscle ache in my arms and the ache in my left arm is starting to restrict my movements. Usually I'd prefer a natural recovery and refuse to use any external agents but I guess I'm really out of choices this time. Using Bengay (or anything similar to it) for the first time in my life now and its actually quite effective :D Just that the hot stinging feeling is kinda... stinging =/

Anyway there's been major progress for my academic and political pursuits!

I've decided on the scholarship I'm going to take... PSC Teaching :O
Sorry sempai ziyu! I really appreciate your advise and encouragement to go for the SPH scholarship, and you really made me reconsider my options. There are a number of reasons for the decision and I hope to record them down here today so that I will be able to remember why I chose this path years down the road.

Reason one: Stability
I wanna get married early! And for that, I need a stable job. This is probably one of the most forward-looking decisions I've ever made, considering I don't even have a girlfriend now. However, by now I know myself well enough to know that whoever it is that I marry, I will want to give my fullest attention to the person. As interesting and attractive as the SPH scholarship is right now, the nature of the job as a reporter will involve countless late nights spent in the office and a need to be overseas frequently. Put simply, I cannot afford that time.

Reason two: Fear of art students =/
If I were to pursue an SPH scholarship, I would doubtless have to pursue a degree in journalism, english, literature, or something from the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. I mean, yes, I have clear analytical skills and am fluent when it comes to argument, which explains my strength in GP. But to what extent would that be helpful? I would be competing with people who have studied the Arts since Sec 3. They would have had 4 years to lay the foundations while I'd be trying to learn something totally new. It scares me, having to pluck myself out of the scientific environment that I'm accustomed to and plant myself right in the heart of unfamilliar terrain.

Reason three: it isn't just about me.
The previous reason wouldn't have scared me much if it weren't for this third reason. I am fully confident in my ability to learn new things and my ability with words. That is to say, I am willing to put my abilities to test and venture into unfamilliar terrain. But this really isn't just about me. If I fail, my stability would be compromised, and my hopes to marry early would be dashed - which brings us back to the first reason.

Reason four: PSC scholarship allows me to be closer to politics
In other news, I've been accepted into Young PAP today.
And I do wish to be able to bring politics and education together, to shape the Singaporean education system to become more sensitive to each individual's talents.
For that, I determined that the best plan would be for me to gain some on the ground experience in teaching to better understand the weaknesses of the system, before heading into politics to suggest the changes.
It is also well known that the PSC scholarship is closely linked to the government and provides opportunities to be in touch with key figures in the government. Opportunities I would like to have.

So...yup, that's that. Please feel free to let me know any opinions or alternate point of views :D

dot.

2011-02-15T14:13:00.000+08:00

Gosh. I really don't like to get into an argument.
Cos everytime I win an argument, I destroy the relationship.

And its beyond a shadow of doubt that I'd win. Everytime.

2011-02-08T22:25:00.000+08:00

If something is to be sustained, it has to be sustainable without significant concious effort.
I believe a relationship based on Trust always trumps one based on Love. Trust is consistent. It is something you can understand. It is stable, reassuring and its slowly built up. Love is volatile. It is inconsistent. It occurs randomly. It lacks the solid feel of trust. Most importantly, the stakes are too high for something so unstable

Ideals and Reality.

2011-02-06T18:40:00.001+08:00

Ideals. I'm a person who has an ideal image in mind for everything, acts in accordance to them, and is bounded too much by them.

This obssession for ideals manifests itself in the way I expect myself and others to perform. The ideal guy. ideal girl. ideal partner. ideal relationship. ideal friend. ideal son. ideal musician. ideal blackbelt. ideal basketballer. ideal scholar. In these areas, this expectation makes sure I perform to a certain standard, certainly. They act as guidelines, as targets, as lighthouses, providing a clear direction in which I should progress. But it also does the opposite. The knowledge that these ideals exist, in addition to the fact that more often than not I fail spectacularly in trying to meet them, cripples my confidence and forces me to act more cautiously. I hide my weaknesses. I show only the parts which conforms to my ideals. And I'm starting to realise, this is constricting me in more ways than I can imagine.

But there's a wild card that provides escape from this, and it is the realization that in Life, everything is free play. I call this "Reality".

Reality is the realization that the world is not flat. That when it comes to dealing with Life and Humans, 1+2 is equals to 3, but its also not equals to 3 as long as you can come up with a creative enough reason to convince. Its the stage where ambiguous and intangible properties such as charisma, innovation, proactivity, flexibility, versatility, persuasiveness, empathy, maturity etc etc comes into play. What are you supposed to understand when someone tells you that they can "click" with you? What exactly is a "love-hate relationship"? What is "street-smart" and just how useful is it? How do you define whether a person is "mature", or whether he provides a "sense of security"? These are things you do not understand. You simply "get" it. In the Real world, Reality is everything, but its also one thing -- that nothing is definite. Reality can be uplifting in the sense that it gives us a chance to be creative and reinvent ourselves, making a break from a fixed set of Ideals. But Reality can also be daunting because it forces us to face the fact that we are seldom, if not never, adequate enough to fulfil our Ideals. Indeed, the common result of overdosage of Reality is the forsaking of Ideals.

Yet in my view, Ideals and Reality share a relationship similar to that between yin and yang. To quote from my previous post, they are "one of those qualities that is best meted out in proper dosages". Too much of Ideals draws clear and unforgiving lines onto the terrain, giving fixed, conventional and approved standards to follow, and these lines can be restrictive, stifling, even. But too much of Reality translates into the absence of lines on the map such that a sense of directionlessness starts to form. The key then, is balance.

In this regard, I am without a doubt a bit off balance -- even now, I tend to lean towards the side of the Ideals.

Sameness and familiarity and restlessness!

2011-02-05T15:00:00.000+08:00

Chanced upon this while reading Different by Youngme Moon.
This book is magical in how it captures the intangible so aptly and translate them into terms that we can actually grasp. Its like describing the mechanics of Life in scientific language. Language that we can make sense of. Here's an extract (among many ) which set me thinking:

" When we are overwhelmed by discontinuity, we hunger for stability, which means that something as basic as a photograph here, an armchair there, can provide ballast to an otherwise unsettled psyche. When I was preparing my children to start kindergarten, their teacher, Mrs. Selman, recommended that we send them to school on their first day with some kind of counterwight -- a favorite stuffed animal, a blanket, a toy -- that would help anchor them as they entered the scary world of chalkboards and desks and cafeterias. What Mrs. Selman understood was that when we are overwhlelmed by change, a small token of familiarity can be comfort food for the soul.

On the other hand, when our lives are saturated with sameness, the overall effect can be desensitizing; too much familiarity has an odd way of rendering things invisble. I have driven from my office to my house so many times that I can pull into my driveway with no recollection of the ride that got me there. I can walk through the front door of my home and the surroundings will barely register. Somehow, a lack of impression has turned into a lack of perception. This is the understated zen of familiarity : It doesn't so much provide pleasure as it removes provocation.

Ellen Langer is a psychologist who has spent much of her career studying a phenomenon that she calls mindlessness. Mindlessness refers to our tendency to perform on autopilot, without thinking, and it's typically the result of "over-learning" -- of becoming so used to responding in a certain manner that we're not even aware that we're doing it anymore. When we act mindlessly, there is mental inertia even in the presence of physical motion. Langer probably wouldn't put it this way, but too much yin without enough yang can get a little mind-numbing.

What this means is that sameness is one of those qualities that is best meted out in proper dosages. I will sometimes play this game with my students where I'll ask them to ignore their assigned seating and sit in a different spot for the day, just to shake things up; it's my way of rearranging the furniture to make the room feel fresh again. Mrs. Selman has her own version of this: By the end of every school year, her kindergarteners are so habituated to the daily routine that she'll take them on field trips, bring in classroom visitors, anything to counteract the doldrums.

When it comes to the unity of opposites, in other words, it's all about the balance. Similarity is stasis; difference is motion. And if the two happen to exist in dyniamic equilibrium, everything is right in the world. We feel grounded, but we feel stimulated, too. We get our dosage of experientially bland carbohydrates, but not in quantities that wouldmake us lethargic. However, if too many days pass by without a trace of turbulence, that's when the listlessness starts to set in. We feel sluggish, we feel restless. And we find ourselves craving some strange fruit.

2011-02-04T21:52:00.000+08:00

Something's off... but I can't seem to put a finger on what :O
Its the source of the restlessness I've been feeling.
What could it be?
What is it that I subconciously know I'm doing wrong?

I absolutely hate moments like this.
Perhaps I've been being too intentionally unintentional.

2011-01-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

"Don't push your luck, Byakuran. I don't give a damn who you are. If you lay a finger on the Arcobaleno boss, I won't stay quiet."

2011-01-17T15:04:00.000+08:00

That was then, this is now.
I'm glad the both of you are still around.

3 years and countless outings later, F3 FTW! :D

2011-01-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

When the past clashes with the present.
Its nice to know the guardians in the present will back me up. Thanks =)

2011-01-02T22:18:00.000+08:00

Its 2011!

So exciting please. Though there's really only a small difference, now I feel so much closer to ORD. Hope is in the air! So much to try, so much to plan :D
My new year resolution is to not think so much.
Sounds easy?
Its totally not. Not for me. I have the tendency to overthink things... sometimes its a strength but basically its just really tiring for me. Moreover I tend to perform less optimally when I'm thinking too much.
SO I'm gonna maintain the perfect balance that I found near the end of 2010 and take it throughout 2011 : Relax, everything will turn out FINE.

Found out on FB today that Joel has *finally* made progress in his relationship.
How exciting! I never thought it would happen. Especially not with that girl, since they've been talking about it like forever but nothing has ever happened I was starting to think they were immune to each other :O But Joel being Joel... there could be changes anytime again. Yes, that's it, I've finally found a place for Joel in the new Family. He's like doctor Shamal, exactly the same!
Flambouyant, but reliable when needed.

On other news. Hilary accepted my friend request today!
Wasn't expecting him to, not after I gave a turning kick to his stomach back when I was sec 2 for a reason so petty I am ashamed of it.
Maybe I'll get back a Mist Guardian in 2011 :D

Ziyu came to training today despite having quite a bad fall from her bike.
I really salute her dedication and responsibility.
She always gets whatever job given to her done nicely.... even if its at her own expence, even if shes really tired.
Its really admirable, but she needs to take care of herself more, she's still so young!
ZIYU ARE YOU READING THIS =P
But this is all just my opinion.
Its up to her how she wants to live. If she wants to give it her all, I'll just provide support :D

Back to topic! This is what I really wanted to blog about today, so that I'll remember and not make the same mistake again.
Even though I knew ziyu was not in a very good condition today, I kept suanning her from lot 1 all the way to 505 all the way to windemere. There really wasn't any malicious intent, more out of playfulness, but I was being irritating all the same. There's a limit, know where it is and don't cross it JW! And sorry ziyu!

Okay thoughts stored. Time for bed. Wan an!

FAMILY!

2010-12-27T16:52:00.000+08:00

Back from the 5th party this christmas and this concludes the best christmas season I've had in 19 years :D

Much thanks to ziyu for brightening up an otherwise dull season!

Some things to think about!

Why do I like Vongola so much?

Because I like the concept of "Family" and "Guardian".

I am not a sociable person by nature, and I always depend on the same few people, who are like my Guardians.

There's Kang Ming, who resembles Gokudera. He's reliable, loyal, and always supportive of what I have in mind. He's the first I call upon whenever I need help with a new idea, because I know he won't turn me down, and will give me all the support he can provide. The right hand man!

Then there's Ziyu, whom I adore and respect. In many ways she resembles Reborn, suddenly coming into my life and turning it around. Always teaching me new things. Always throwing me into new, challenging situations. Always believing I have the potential. Always hitting me suddenly. Always the first to hear and understand my thoughts. Someone I have complete trust in, and has complete trust in me. The Katekyoshi!

Then there's Si Song, whom I've known all my life. He's the complete opposite of Kang Ming. He resembles the Cloud Guardian, Hibari, alot. With a mind of his own, he's always ready to challenge my ideas or even put them down, making me refine my plans closer to perfection. He is also super smart, and sets the standard for me to compete with academically. Though it seldom happens, I know he will be able to deliver results when I need to rely on him. The Cloud Guardian!

Its saddening, but over the years I've also lost guardians. Sometimes it was because I was too childish, which was the case with Wei Feng and Hilary. I regret my actions. Sometimes... things just happened, which was the case with Joy. I still wonder if I did the right thing regarding her, but I've definitely moved on since. Regardless, I miss these people.

Which is why I won't be letting go of the Guardians who are still here.
Not if I can help it.

Love

2010-12-16T20:37:00.001+08:00

I have so much to write after Y camp, I don't know where to start.
Everything happened so fast, and is still happening so fast, that I'm just learning one thing after another, feeling one emotion after another-- and every one of them is equally significant. Its too difficult to write a coherent account of everything AND do justice to every single part.

So I have simply given up on writing anything whatsoever :O

In summary, just know that:
I enjoyed the camp tremendously.
In four days, Ycamp/Woody has made me grow more than CJC/T21 did in 2 years.
I will definitely go to Ycamp again.

I shall talk about something else today!

Imagine you're in a, say, football team.
You are a SU-PERB goalkeeper, but just an above average striker.
In your heart you probably WANT to be a striker, because that's where all the action is.

In this situation, would you go for what you WANT, the striker, or stay where you can CONTRIBUTE more as, the goalkeeper?

Now, let's think about something else.

Lets say you share a deep bond with a certain person. The both of you trust each other fully, and you would both go to great lengths for each other. Naturally, you are very fond of the person.
But would YOU admit your feelings to him/her? Or rather, would you, in lament terms, "chase" after such a person to gain possession of him/her? Will you want to be the striker?

To many, this is simply a question of courage and confidence.
If you had the courage and confidence for success, you probably would. Straightforward. Or others might say that the courage to love is the prerequisite to loving. That is to say, if you do not have the courage to confess, then you have no right to love the person.

But is it a question of courage?
To me, it is a question of how much you can give to the person who you love. How much happiness can you bring into his/her life. And which position allows you to make his/her life a better, brighter one.
Its actually very much like choosing between being a goalkeeper and a striker, isn't it?

If you loved the team alot, more than you loved yourself, then the answer would have been obvious -- be a goalkeeper! Your sacrifice would mean the team benefits not only from having better strikers, but also a goalkeeper who is adept at his job-- saving goals. The strikers may have all the action and glory, that's fine, because you know that your job is no less important than theirs. And more importantly, your choice has made the team a better team. A happier team. That's all that matters, isn't it?

On the other hand, if you had chosen to go for what you want and be a striker, not only would your team have suffered by having a sub-standard striker, they would also have LOST an excellent keeper, can you see the double loss?

Back to love.
If you can make the person smile when she's about to cry.
If you can be the one that sits beside her and just listen to what's on her mind.
If you can see her be even happier with another person.
If you can be contented.
Why not?

I'd like to quote from one of my favourite authors, one that changed my life profoundly, Stephen Covey.

"Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her."

*P.S: Love without possession/ Love through sacrifice

SPH scholarship

2010-12-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

I'm going to apply for another scholarship that doesn't fall under the PSC umbrella. Its gonna be alot of work. The course I will take should I accept this scholarship shall be Journalism or Current Affairs.

The SPH scholarship.

It used to be my dream a be a journalist in J1... but I kinda just forgot about it.
Or rather, I decided against it because I felt I would never be able to write better than those from the art stream even though I achieved an "A" grade in GP.

For too long, I've been holding down my own personality. The desire to dominate. The confidence to take risks. But the world isn't about one person.

I really do want to try.

Thanks Ziyu for reminding me that to not try something for fear of losing is to have lost already.

The world isn't about one person.

2010-11-30T17:55:00.000+08:00

When being led, you get noticed for being excellent.
When leading, you're expected to be excellent.

When being led, you are given space to make mistakes and learn.
When leading, you're expected to shoulder the mistakes of others and let them learn.

When being led, you only have to focus on doing one thing.
When leading, you have to look at the ever-evasive "big picture".

I guess there's a reason why, when presented with a choice, I chose not to go command school.
I guess there's also a reason why I chose to get a Cloud Guardian ring instead of the Sky ring.

Its so much easier to perform without pressure.

2010-11-28T23:05:00.000+08:00

What if no matter how hard you try to fight it, you end up visiting the same time and place whenever you're alone, night falls and things quieten down?

Perhaps I regret not doing more to save the relationship.

Perhaps I should go to sleep.

2010-11-19T23:33:00.000+08:00

Thank you so much :D

Much appreciated!

Hero goes on a toy hunt!

2010-11-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

Went on a toy hunt today!

Original motive was:
1. Check out the omocha!/toy catcher/UFO machine at iluma that ziyu mentioned.
2. Rob the UFO machine shop at marina square of their sweets cos ziyu wanted more :D

Original cost would have been minimum, cos the sweet machine is so easy -.-"

But but.

I went to iluma, but the machines there were duo-claw (scammer) ones! 0% chance of winning.

So, I headed on to my next destination, marina square!
Since the mission was just to get a few sweets, I wasn't intending to massacre the shop that day.
BUT when I reached the place I saw this CHRISTMAS DISNEY SET. Its like the Christmas edition of my favourite Furry Disney Set (Stitch, Pooh, Bunny, Mickey). And they were screaming at me to rescue them from the machine! Sooooooo being the hero I am, I used my abilities and caught the whole set with a mere 14dollars, including the sweets which I had came for :O

(See... I rescued them from their prison:D:D:D)

Deproved quite abit but nevertherless...
Attracted quite alot of attention! hahahahah was fun :D

But catching toys alone feels so strange. Wish Kang Ming and Joel were there like before. Then I can teach them how to catch themselves so they can give to girls and stop asking me for toys!

Owells, probably will see them soon. F3 FTW!

Personal Mission Statement

2010-11-15T22:10:00.000+08:00

Today, I reviewed my Personal Mission Statement!

For those of who are still uninitiated, the Personal Mission Statement is a product of habit two: begin with the end in mind. In short, its putting in words the direction which you would like to have your life move in. That way, you won't get lost :D

I figured that after a year, some of my priorities and thoughts would have shifted, more or less and hence it needed some adjustments.

Apart from coming up with a new statement, I reviewed the old one, checking to see if I had achieved the goals I had set and abided by the principles I had laid down for myself. Guess what?

... I failed totally lol.

In my role as a "student", I hit all my goals...

but but

.

.

.

in the "tutoring", "friendship" and "son" roles... well I barely passed :O

and omg I used to be so childish! (Still am but...)

Haha so sad!

Oh well.

This time the goals are set for the roles "Academic" (as usual), "Taekwondo", "Tutoring", "Personal", and "Friend".

I really hope I clear them all this time!

2010-11-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

As much as I hate you for leaving, you did make me grow up much.

Thanks for being my partner, you really were the best.

Thanks for teaching me that love is important, but it takes much more than love to be lifelong partners.

Thanks for always pushing me, never letting my conceited nature get the better of me.

Thanks for bringing me back to reality, intelligence clearly isn't everything.

Thanks for bringing me out of my comfort zone, that's where I truly learn.

Thanks for acomodating my forceful and sometimes childish character, it must have been hard on you.

Thanks for turning back, even after you'd left, to check if I was okay. Sorry for pushing you away all those times.

Thanks for everything, but from this point forth I'll walk without you. I won't reply to your messages anymore, cos there's really nothing much left to say between us. Please be happy, thank you Joy.

and there, I'm on the floor again.

2010-11-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

From the moment you broke my silence with that message, I knew I was headed for a crash again.

True enough, you've got me sitting alone again, pondering the same questions I've been pondering for the past 3 months. Replaying scenes from last year. Revisiting hell.

I really do wonder what your purpose was.
Cos to hear you say "The both of us are officially together now" still hurt, even though it was something I had known and been expecting.
And to hear you ask "so when are you gonna get attached?" hurt even more.

I broke down, of course I broke down. But before that, I wanted to flare up. Or at least ignore your message. But I didn't do any of that.
Of course I didn't.

Cos in spite of all I say and do, you really still do matter too much to me.

I wonder if its the same for you?
Cos you said: "I love you, but you must understand..."

but that's the problem. I don't understand.

2010-11-05T18:20:00.001+08:00

Close the door, turn the key on everything that used to be.
If it means that little to you, it shouldn't mean that much to me.

2010-10-24T19:56:00.000+08:00

What a weekend!
Tutoring at TAPEC from 10 to 4 yest. My mind totally blanked out when Alvin told me to take the sec 4 pure physics class for awhile. I'm only confident for A levels! Embarassing -.- Didn't manage to stay for the dunman high class though, but they were so happy when I gave them a packet of Poifulli, and Alvin said I was trying to bribe his students, funny. From TAPEC I went straight to AMK to meet ziyu for TKD training (under the legendary Sir Vis, omgod!)

Training under Sir Vis was abit tougher the usual standard nowadays, but it was still enjoyable :D Sir Vis is a funny guy. Plus, from past past past past experience i know his training used to be far worst...
Ziyu says thats the way to improve, so I'll try it out =)

Then then today went to 505 and then windemere to teach. Poom belts at 505 are so... ill disicplined :O
At the end of the lesson Sir thomson was talking talking then someone said "Sir got money outside!" and everyone started laughing. For people who know Sir tom you'll know why :D

Then Ziyu and I went to windemere to teach. Basically its a poom belt class at windemere (omg).
Because we couldn't get the room that we wanted for training so we had to move to the basketball court (where I once played with KM for CHC bball comp) to train. That's when it became apparent that the kids from windemere were very pampered and sheltered! Because they seemed very unused to training in a basketball court but to us (ziyu and I) it was very common. Ziyu was practically jumping for joy because there was so much space to train unlike normal weeks, lol. Had some games after training and it was lots and lots of fun :D

Dinner with ziyu was enjoyable. Then home and rest :D

To accept or not to accept the scholarship, that's the question!

2010-10-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

"I do not like the way teachers think of children. and where they get these ideas from?
proabably from the lecturers..
it's how they are being taught that they would teach....

so it's really dependent on the individual on how they perceive children. how you perceive would determine how you treat your student."

Wise words from master ziyu!
She's my new idol haha. Everyday I learn something new from her.
Can tell she has really deep thoughts, when it comes to children, lesson and teaching...

How do I think of children/students?
Never really considered it...
But I should really consider this before I step into a teaching career :O

2010-10-06T21:50:00.000+08:00

Ah finally back from teaching zheng en.
Felt sick after work today and didn't really feel up to teaching but... he has chem promos tomorrow. Taught him what I can, at least I fulfiled my responsbilities =)
Damn shag though... morning physical training noon krav maga training night tuition... I'm about to collapse soon!

Hmm I look like I have Kakashi's sharingan... left eye is red cos of spoilt contact lenses. I need sleep!

TAE-KWON-DO!

2010-10-03T22:52:00.000+08:00

Back from a full day of TAE-KWON-DO training!
I'm hyper!

I'm happy cos today is the first training after the grading.
Though I still don't know the results (I hope I pass >.<) , having the grading behind me took a heavy load off my back. I feel so relaxed now =) Training without the stress of grading is different... I get to teach!

Taught 2 white belts today. Turning kick 101.
They came in a pair, brother and sister. Fun!

Then then went to another class and taught 5 kids from ranging from white to yellow belt.
They got bored doing their sports syllabus and I got bored looking at their sports syllabus so we ended up doing something more fun. KICK! SLIDE FORWARD! CHANGE! CHANGE! TURNING KICK! FRONT KICK! SLIDE BACKWARD! CHANGE! TURNING KICK!

We had fun! Kids sure are cute.

Then then went to yet ANOTHER class and.... I was in put charge of all the blue belts! Stress can, its my first time taking such a large class of such a high level. Thank you Sir Kelvin for the experience and help! Though the kids were rowdy, I did my best and I think I did o-kay..?

Still have lots to learn, lots to learn.
Learnt many many many stuff talking to Ziyu on the way home.
She's really experienced and has given lots of thought to teaching.
I hope to be like her one day...
I wanna teach at windemere!

2010-09-30T11:29:00.000+08:00

And the previous post was... wow, BMT, seriously?

I realise each time I return to this obsolete practise of blogging, it marks a new phase in my life. So much has happened since the last post... where to start, where to start indeed?

She chose him... guess thats a good reason for me to move on. Its been close to a month since, funny. At that point of time I didn't think I'd survive, so silly of me. People don't actually die from heartache, do they? Often, in my head I still argue, it should have been me, I was so close, this is unfair. That's when I remind myself this is life, not a game, not another essay, where all there was to be done was to make the right moves and point out the right arguments to score. Situations... Circumstances... Errors. They all happen in life and love. I'm sad, but I'll get over it. I survived a month didn't I? I even pulled through her birthday... and I'll need to pull through mine tomorrow. Who will I spend it with? Who do I want to spend it with? I really have no idea. Probably KM and Joel , haha. F3 ftw.

Moving on... I rejoined taekwondo shortly after that horrible day. So for the past month I've been training to get my black belt. Grading this Saturday! Its really helped me get through this month alot, taekwondo. Training helps me focus and keep my mind off her... I guess that's another reason why I keep going for multiple trainings, apart from the fact that I really do want the blackbelt. But I really enjoy going to Taekwondo. Going back as an adult really feels different from learning as a child. As a child, every training was to be dreaded, every instructor was to be feared. But as an adult, I start to realise every instructor is an unique individual, with their own story behind them, that they are more than mere instructors, they are people. As an adult, I can communicate with the instructors, trainings are more than just trainings. I get to know people, make friends, bond with different people, even play with kids! It feels kinda like... one big family? Its really enjoyable.

Apart from Taekwondo I've been channeling my efforts on teaching tuition... Zheng En, mainly whose promos are coming. I hope he does well, really. I used to think all that was required was me being prodiguous at the Chem, that would allow me to teach well. But its more than that. It doesn't matter how good the teacher is, its how good he can make the student. I'm still trying to make him be as good as me at chem... hmm. Guess that's where I'll start gathering experience.

Taekwondo... Tuition... alot of outings with people who I've left out for a long time when I was immersed in her. It almost seems like I'm building up my social circle from scratch. Its like a new life... And what a better time to officially commence this new life, the day before my birthday! I wish that I can stop being sad over her and just let life take its course.

What to look forward to after taekwondo grading, I wonder?

2010-02-15T18:47:00.000+08:00

1st book out of NS. Don't think I'm allowed to blog bout the particulars though...

But I can say stressful, but manageable.
And I realised I'm bipolar-- sometimes I feel all depressed and suddenly I'm all charged up. Strange.
All in all, surviving NS is all in the mind, need to keep myself charged up.

Hmm, selfish as it may sound, eventually, my life is about me, not NS, not someone else. Its about me, and the only certainty is me. I'll need to get through these trails... and see what actually awaits me in the future.

Though I hope you'll be there when I finally make it through...
I really don't know, and I'm really scared you won't be there by the time everything is over.
Do you understand?

2010-02-01T16:52:00.000+08:00

All I feel, think, do, summarised in one song. I miss you.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this **much** is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

2010-01-28T18:17:00.000+08:00

You always thought I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

Lyrics do make sense... now more than ever, hmm.

I'm sorry... didn't ever think I could fail at anything so badly.
Guess I let fear and paranoia get the better of me.

I swear it won't happen again, its embarassing for me to make the same mistake twice.

2009-10-28T21:02:00.000+08:00

The previous post was...before PTM.

lol, people are gonna think I died during PTM or something.

For the record,I didn't, just that God suddenly decided to give me alot of presents since then and I have been too busy opening them.

So...where to start?

Prelims? AABDE :)
Thats one of the presents, but just the least of them.
Seems like there's a way to make me put effort in studies after all.

But prelims is like, ancient history...
So on to recent stuff...
hmm.
A levels are approaching in 6 days (big deal)

Oh, I'm in financial crisis right now, due to the overseas trips and excessive spending. Dunno where the money for post A's activities gonna be conjured from, but I'll manage, I guess?

hmm.
.
.
.
Nothing else I can disclose at this point of time I guess,
I ought to be studying,
but of course...
I can't, not at home.

Thats why I came here to ramble in the first place, wasn't it?

Hmm well now that I've confirmed that I'm alive and kicking...time to go off! (and do nothing useful)

2009-07-25T21:30:00.000+08:00

Went my dad's place...

Kena lectured by my godfather( dude from MOE ) bout my results.
Preview of whatever's Ms Teo's gonna say on Monday.

I guess having the ability but not using it fully is more troublesome than not having any ability at all sometimes.

I'm not doing well enough... not for my abilities, not for entering university, not for scholarship. Its all very obvious, actually, but it seems being in an environment where passing all H2 subjects is considered good can make me forget something that obvious...I'm just relatively good, but not good.

What I'm trying to say is this. It seems the 2 years in CJC has made me forgot that there's lots of smarter people out there. People who were all around me, in those DLSS top classes, people from SJI, people like... Rui (haha forgive me, you're the only one I admit to be smarter than me). Back then I was just normal, average, maybe even below average. I still needed to study to stay in the competition.

Then, I screwed up O levels, came to CJC, and everything became too easy.
Minimum effort worked miracles for one and half years. Until now.

I dunno how many times I've told myself this, but its about time I studied as though I was competing at that level again.

As my godfather puts it : "it doesn't matter if CJC is only able to produce one person who can enter university, just make sure you are the one, stop comparing against those within your school".

Great response when I presented my only defence that "352 people had one or none H2 passes" , according to brother paul.

Slackening down on the 7 habits was a mistake. Its time to get my act together.

2009-07-20T21:41:00.000+08:00

My results are like shit...
Pass everything but thats hardly the point, is it?

Miss Teo still gave me the highlighter (standard protocol, for A's)
but I hardly deserve it...
Terrible know she purposely one make me feel guilty LOL.

Results aside... Need to move on.

Been adding people on facebook.
Acquaintances from ages ago...
At that point of time, they were so close, so real, but now they feel...so far away, almost fictional, imaginary.
I guess... in the process of getting where I am now, I missed out on alot of things... and people.

Hard as it is to admit... I actually miss those experiences and people, and its not like really close friends or anything, you know, just random, nice people. Its a pity I didn't get to know them there and then and let them drift away, isn't it?

lol...how unlike me to actually miss anyone... I guess it happens, once in awhile.

2009-07-16T19:18:00.001+08:00

I'm damn tired...

2009-07-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

I think my grades are TERRIBLE up to this point of time.
But I haven't gotten back maths so I shall leave the reflection for a later post.

My mum's irritating me...
In the same way that my dad did last year.

Talk, talk, talk.
Just keep on talking.
Not good enough.
Fucking hell, I'm already counted as doing exceptionally well among my peers, god damn it -.-

And it isn't as though my parents would have done any better than me if they were in my shoes. zzz.

Shouldn't remind them of that last point, though. The last time I told my dad I was doing much better than he ever would have done in JC to get him off my back things turned very ugly. lol.

I'm stifling under the expectations placed on me. It would help abit if I'm actually being recognized for my merits rather than being put down for being not good enough.

I'll show you what I mean:
2nd in level for Chem, but generally only passing everything else--- "CANNOT CONCENTRATE ON CHEM ONLY. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. WHO CARES BOUT UR CHEM MAN."

fine.

2nd in level for Chem, B for maths, B for GP(top), pass everything else--- "LETS NOT LOOK AT YOUR CHEM, MATHS and GP, YOUR PHYSICS AND CHINESE ARE A REAAAAAL PROBLEM. NEED TO BE BALANCED."

fuck.

2nd in level for Chem, D for maths, D for physics, D for GP(top again), and U for H2 Chinese--- "MATHS AND PHYSICS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. WHY H2 CHINESE SO BAD. GP? WHATEVER. BALANCE YOUR STUDIES!"

Chem deprove, D for an exceptionally hard physics paper, S for Chinese, and (I'm expecting B/A for maths)--- "OI WHY YOUR CHEM DEPROVE, CANNOT! PHYSICS D ONLY??? TERRIBLE! MATHS? LETS NOT TALK ABOUT MATHS. "

-.- go to hell man.
So pro you come get my results try... confirm UUUUU. Fuck know.

I know my chem shouldn't have dropped. But I'm trying to fucking balance everything, so can you just STAY OUT OF MY FACE?

I've proven my worth more than enough times, stop acting like you know more than me.
You're just older. Not neccesarily wiser.

UNDERAPPRECIATED.

2009-07-11T22:46:00.000+08:00

But I'm not Ji Hoon...
This is all very screwed up.

btw, code language rocks.

2009-07-01T22:28:00.000+08:00

I don't usually like what I don't understand,so your existence is actually pretty bizarre to me...

sigh.

"When people run in circles its a very very mad world." --Adam Lambert, Mad World

And I just keep running in circles...

I think I aced Maths today... the paper was too easy, I personally felt my maths was only slightly above average, but definitely not A standard yet. Ah well it seems like studying works after all.

Tomorrow is Chem...my 2nd A, naturally. But...if I only want an A I really don't need to be as good as I am now, so... what exactly do I want for chem?

2009-06-24T14:30:00.000+08:00

Done with Taylor Swift...until her next album, anyway.

I love how the new skin says Elite among elites.

Kay gotta go study now...

2009-05-30T23:04:00.000+08:00

A brief dropoff on thoughts.

I think yesterday's class BBQ went quite smoothly. To be sure, it wasn't perfect, there were flaws here and there, some bigger than others, but generally everything worked itself out alright.

Had time to reflect on the beach and redefine my bearings for abit. Its extremely easy to get overly engaged and caught up in activities that we lose sight of the direction in which we're headed, isn't it?

I'm still more accustomed to, and tend to thrive in, a purely male circle of friends. Perhaps its because sarcasm is taken with a pinch of salt when applied to guys but girls tend to take a more...offensive stance. I'm speaking in general terms, of course.

That pretty much sums up the thoughts from yesterday.

Now, for an actual account.

...This is gonna be rather dry, cos I don't have pictures just yet. Bear with me.

The general flow of events went like this from my perspective:
GP paper-->Buying BBQ stuff-->Setting up BBQ pit-->Heralding the gradual arrival of everyone-->Spontaenous, random activity that sprung up during the BBQ-->Spending time alone at the beach-->Everyone going home-->Journey to Still Road-->Crazy stealth operation in Sameer's house-->Cycling from Still Road to CJC to Far East to Plaza Sing to Funan-->Desperately finding a way to get back to East Coast from Funan-->God Bless, private bus back to East Coast--> 3 zombies proceeding through breakfast and going home after a looooong day.

Organizational Experience
It was a great experience, but lets start from the organising side of the experience. In many senses it was a spontaneous decision, but it was also very much a decision guided by the 7 habits. It was up to me to act towards an end that I desired, so if an eventful JC experience was what I had in mind, I couldn't be depending on others to brighten it up for me, could I? Especially not since no one seemed to be committed to any action. The decision and activity, then, were spurred by Habits 1,2 and 3.

The approach on the other hand, was also an entirely fresh experience. I've acted in several insignificant positions of leadership in the past, but this was the first one to be carried out after acquiring the 7 habits. Its different. There's more...positive energy when respect, delegation and trust is exercised. Habits 4,5 and 6 changed my tendency to micromanage, to put everything under my control, and my rigidness. Granted, I'm am still, in many aspects, unbelievably stubborn, but the very fact that I am aware of the weakness allows space for change. In the process of organising the event I received an abundance of help from Kang Ming, Roy and Kumaran.
And more than frequently I felt I was simply giving the ideas, the general direction we should travel in, while they were the ones who did the real work.

Now of course, there was imperfection. Attendance, for one thing, was the looming imperfection that struck me. While much effort had been put into trying to ensure maximum attendance, perhaps a better alternative could have been worked out to include those who unfortunately couldn't make it. Apart from attendance however, I have minimal complaints, perhaps just the usual rant that indecision should be made punishable by law.

Physical/Crazy Experience

Did I mention we(KM,Joel,Me) cycled to Sameer's house at Still Road, snuck into his room, and used Google Earth to devise to cycling route on the PIE that we would eventually use to cycle to CJC? Yea, we did that. Sometimes I surprise myself with my courage. It wouldn't have been possible with a less sporty group of people for company, who adopted the same reckless and fun loving attitude that led us on the journey, Joel and Kang Ming were great. Woo. We cut lanes on the PIE and survived near death experiences frequently. We were also guided by alot of luck when we simply chose random routes to take when faced with choices. We eventually managed to make it to our original destination, CJC. I can only suppose the two Christians now have a deeper faith in God, considering the sheer fact that we are still alive and the amount of luck we had through the whole process. Me? I remain a happy agnostic.

In retrospect, though, as I said, the experience constituted a "supreme lack of foresight" as we eventually found heaps of trouble trying to get back to East Coast Park from uh, City Hall. Cycling back was out of the question considering our level of focus and energy, plus morning traffic wasn't nearly as good to deal with as midnight traffic. We eventually settled, once again with tons of luck, with a private bus which a hotel helped find for us which cost 45 dollars. It isn't expensive if you considered the state of desperation we were in, and the pure frustration generated when taxi drivers tell you they are unable to transport the bicycle, with the more retarded drivers telling you its totally possible to transport bicycles, but we have to remove the front wheel ( For goodness sake, if I can remove the front wheel I would most probably just throw the whole bike away and take MRT home )

I sure gained insight on the Singapore Traffic system. Both in terms of the highways and the operational quirks of Singaporean taxi companies.

Now, I'm gonna go sleep.

2009-05-26T17:21:00.000+08:00

A few thoughts that are floating about at the moment...

Indecision should be make punishable by law.

Judaism is perhaps the most believable among the three monotheistic religions.

If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

Some people have a sense of humour which is about as potent as their linguistic ability.

I need to start presenting more than 3 solid arguements for GP essays if I want an A.

There's a difference betwen being the best and doing the best. When the competition is bordering on pathetic, the difference between those gets mind bogglingly wide.

*In addition*
Its interesting for parents to consider that the way their children were raised is highly different from the way they themselves were raised.

2009-05-16T21:45:00.001+08:00

Singing competition! Got in for both group and individual but got owned for both.

Thats for the group performance... I can only say... it was funny. Well it was a great experience, to say the least. Pictures!

While waiting for both the video and photos to be uploaded... let me unload some sentiments. Incidentally, because I was adding these same set of photos to my folders, I happened to flip through the class photos of last year. Its been awhile, and so much has changed. Just 6 more months and it'll all be over... sigh.

There's so many things I wish to have done, among which most remain undone in this class.

Haha, just how far away am I from truly mastering the first habit? Harbouring on things outside my circle of influence instead of focusing on what I can do now is so... futile.

Sigh.

2009-04-15T21:26:00.000+08:00

Came across an article in the newspaper.

It was captioned "Don't expect champions to be Mr Nice Guys".
Basically, the author argues that all great, dominant champions share an "utter belief in their brilliance and in others' incompetence".
According to the author, this is also exactly the reason why they are dominant in the first place.

I know, or feel, that to some extent that is true.
Supreme confidence in ability usually does add on to ability itself.
Stephen M.R Covey, author of The Speed Of Trust, has expressed so in his book, too.
"Expect to Win" he says, and results will improve.

But firm belief in ability of self does not equate to firm disbelief in the abilities of others.
That would be against the principle of humility, against the abundance mentality and against Habit 4 Think Win/Win.

Perhaps in competitive sports, Win/Win is hardly applicable, but for a student, Win/Win and abundance maps the territory most accurately.

I need to find a balance... because I sense much truth in the author's viewpoint of "absolute confidence in ability breeds ability", but I also detect a very narrow minded Win/Lose paradigm stemmed from the Scarcity mentality in the thought that "absolute ability should only belong to me".

Tricky, tricky.

2009-04-02T17:08:00.000+08:00

Today's mistake wasn't one I didn't foresee when I just started reading the 7 habits.

I call it Hyperproactivity, an orthodox version of Habit 1, be proactive.
Habit 1 basically states that most people bend to circumstances-- when approached with a stimulus, they react to the stimulus instinctively. The essence of Habit 1, then, is that we are free to choose how we respond, and even greater-- not to respond, but to act before a stimulus arrives. Be proactive. If the circumstances aren't right, take the initiative, don't wait for circumstances to become more favourable. Be proactive.

A simple yet powerful habit, it empowers people to decide their own fate and stop being puppets to circumstances.

Hyperproactivity then, takes this to another level. I was forcefully changing circumstances, without truely understanding the situation or clarifying my intentions--A major breach of Habit 5(seek first to understand, then to be understood). Therefore, even though the intentions was of a Win/Win nature (habit 4), it was eventually a huge mistake that ultimately resulted in a Lose/Lose scenario.

I guess at least the action in itself was in harmony with my principles, or else it could have been worse. If only I didn't lose control of my abilities while executing it eh?

I guess this sets me a few steps back...
Time to start over...

2009-04-01T19:55:00.000+08:00

With reference to the previous post, I guess the sudden conversion to english music is rather freaky for some people eh?
I'm not too sure how it happened myself. I do have a general idea, but its rather complex and highly irrelevant so I shan't bother with posting it.

What's relevant though, is to keep supplying myself with more english songs, I could do with your help, reader. Send me songs.

A few thoughts...

1. I guess reading the "7 habits of highly effective people" has effected a rather large paradigm shift for me...
Its a wonderful book for self improvement, for those lost and without a direction in life, this is the book for you.

2. Everyone's insanely busy this term, it seems. Yet no one seems to be slackening their efforts in the academic area. It would be highly disrespectful and indecent if I were to continue to compete with people who are giving it their all with minimal effort. Besides, time is running out. Habit 3 says "put first things first", and Habit 2 says "Begin with the end in mind". Practising both, that would mean I'm going to study hard, finally.

3. I refer to my arguement for the GP essay topic : Do schools in Singapore prepare students well for life?

"Schools do not give an inaccurate perception of life to the students. This can be easily seen from how schools place emphasis on individual excellence and independence, whereas life is an interdependent reality. As such, schools do not prepare students well for life."

A month ago, I would never have come up with this arguement. Of course, it was derived largely from ideas of Stephen Covey (author of 7 habits), put into the context of education. Desmond Chan seems to think I'm wrong, though. He cites P.E and the class community as examples that show interdependence developed in school. Which really provides food for thought. Do these little actions -- PW, PE, learning as a class-- really show that schools are moulding us into interdependent individuals? Are schools not more concerned about individual excellence? Is the "best class award" really as prestigous as, or more prestigous than the "best student award"?

From where I stand...no. Desmond Chan may have his own arguements, and he may be right, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. We're looking at the same set of facts, but through different paradigms, or lenses. What does it look like to you?

4. The power of arguement sure is magical, isn't it? Who's right and who's wrong, who can decide? The majority, one may answer. Just a thought, then. Since Right and Wrong are decided by the majority, that means it changes as circumstances change. So, if a person's personal mission statement were to be "to do the right thing at all times", wouldn't his actions be varying consistently, adapting to the new social definition of "Right" everyday? Such a tiring and coreless personal mission, I deplore. "To be a symbol of stength and wisdom, and beyond that, a source of them." is so much more meaningful, isn't it?

2009-03-25T16:39:00.000+08:00

This song is.... magical.
Is it the fairy tale setting?
The dress she's wearing in the MV?
Or do I just have a weakness for songs with lyrics that change just a bit right at the end?

Could be all of the above.

Anyway it managed to persuade me to buy Fearless.
2nd english album in a week.
2nd english album in my life too. lol.
The previous being David Archuleta's David Archuleta ( I did NOT make a mistake)

Taylor Swift has got better hits, Love Story simply trumps Crush, which is also magical. David Archuleta songs have a more consistent standard and generally manage to make an impression though.

Oh, and I got my common test results.
ACDDU.
Mmm not very nice, I can already hear teachers and others talking about how I'm not working to my full potential---experience from SJI.

But its okay, I have begun with the end in mind, and I have identified the principles that will lead to that end. I'll be just fine (:

2009-03-17T20:43:00.001+08:00

Be proactive.
Begin with the end in mind.

Put it in life.

2009-03-08T20:43:00.001+08:00

Look, here's how it goes:
There's no middle ground. No such thing as mere "acquaintance", or, in less refined words, "I don't hate him but I don't like him either, its neutral."

The bottom line: Its either you are my friend, or you are my enemy.

Up to this point, I have shown enough tolerance on my part towards you, out of respect. But I'm good at inferring thoughts from actions, and from your actions I infer that you have chosen to be an enemy instead of an ally.

I can be a nice person, but I'm even more talented at being a bastard-- and very much more inclined to be a bastard. Do not breach my tolerance level.
I guarantee you won't like it.

Good luck.

2009-02-22T21:59:00.000+08:00

S.H.E was here on 20-21 of feb!
And of course, wherever they went, I went.
I strongly believe in action over talk, which translate into pictures over text,besides I can't really be bothered to talk to anyone now, not when i can ogle at my S.H.E pictures...

1st row pics, shows the skill/hiongness/effort of super fan.

I forgot bout yoga, but well I did spent 67 dollars for his concert, which I departed from right after S.H.E finished performing. I had the distinct impression that the other guest, Oliva Ong would only have been able to get the audience to clap if she fell off the stage and disappeared. Really, people were there only for S.H.E.

Of course I have pictures in my private stash. Much better pictures. But cos this is a public blog, I don't fancy strangers coming to stealing my awesome 1st row 10.1megapixel pictures. So if you reaaaaally need em, just contact me, in person.

Besides I suspect the 4 pictures from the auto session I've put up are among the best people can find already. 1st row leh. wahahahahahahaha.

Gonna forget all the crap in school and continue to dream bout S.H.E^^

2009-02-15T16:46:00.000+08:00

“别过于仰赖天分，
心算快不一定数学好，
写字美不一定会写小说。"

Lines from a show. lol.

2009-02-09T20:58:00.001+08:00

2009-02-01T18:49:00.000+08:00

To Miss Teo.

Look, I'm trying my best not to be rude here.
But do you mind giving me a bit of help so that I don't really lose it and start to be rude?
Why are you bothering to tag on my board?
To you, I'm already nothing more than a normal student.
Probably less.

I concede that my other subs can't make it.
I concede that I may not be suitable for H3 after all.

Thats about all I'm willing to concede.
Thats all you need.

The only thing I'm keeping is that I'm better than chem.
And that is rightfully mine.

There's really nothing more to be said.
I am not H3 chem. Full stop.
Even if you do manage to convince me that I'm wrong, or I manage to convince you that I'm right, nothing much changes.

So, before things get uglier, before we start making more comparisons with innocent parties, please, stop. Not that it would hurt me if we did, others would.

I'm open to reasoning, but I don't see the point in it.
If you wish to continue to persuade me, anywhere else will do.
Not here, the examples are getting too sensitive.
Thank you.

2009-01-29T19:44:00.000+08:00

Chill out guys, anonymous as you may wish to remain.

I'll offer a compromise -- its hardly a surrender, but I guess it doesn't affect you in any way. It remains largely a mystery to me WHY you'd rather spend time tagging on my blog instead of going to mug your H3 chem, really.

I was probably wrong on one occasion. Just one. Fine, the H3 chem people may not be fidiots. But thats about as far as you're going to get.
Fact remains I'm better at chem, even if you're not stupid.
In that area, at the very least, I have not been beaten, no, not by any of you.
And if you stop by the principal's board, yes, you will have to agree with me.

But I'll stop harping on the other subjects. Fine, you win there (bloody mugger with no life). Mugging is hardly an imprisonable offense. I accept that. Its my fault I don't have that discipline. I won't even argue with you bout GP, now thats a handicap in your favour.

So, if you really are still unhappy, please, stop wasting time here.
Simply speak to me in person or reveal your identity.
We will settle academic conflicts where it belongs.
Academically.
A level results, eh? Whoever you are, you're on.
Now get some guts.

2009-01-25T19:35:00.000+08:00

Oooo what a heated response.
Took me about 5 seconds to counter all the arguments, though, what a shame.

Try harder dude, and get some guts or something equivalent.
If you need to hide your name before you can voice your hate , and even have to resort to depending on others to beat me, obviously you aren't fit to criticise me.

Still boring.

2009-01-23T20:27:00.000+08:00

I'm arrogant, get over it already.
I don't recall asking anyone to come be my friend, or anything similar you know.

btw, if you have opinions bout me, its really fine. Could you, however, phrase them with a tad more flavour, so that shallow though your opinions may be, they may look somewhat more interesting?

Its getting boring for me.

2009-01-20T18:25:00.000+08:00

Foolish fool spouting foolish
foolishness, just as I expect
of a foolish fool such as you.

Me. Chem tuition. I could tutor you, whoever you are, dude.

2009-01-18T20:53:00.000+08:00

I'm not gonna try and pretend the outburst on my own tagboard was just an overly warm respond to a nice comment.
I hate anything and everything that has something to do with H3 Chem. I once thought "H3 Chem" meant that the canditate was already supremely proficcient in the subject, therefore giving reason for him/her to receive additional information. I thought.

It seems to me now, that you DON'T have to be even proficcient in the subject. Lets face it, 70 for chem isn't hard to get. AT ALL. Any person who has a shred of intelligence with any trace of discipline can just grab the notes, go through it relentlessly for a week, and get a borderline A. A 70. Getting a 70 DOES NOT signify that the person is competent in the subject, it only shows the person was smart enough to go and study for a bit. In fact, even a 89, 88, does not reflect total mastery of the subject. It does, however, reflect a superiority in understanding of the subject over the 70-ers.

Why then, should a person who's not even highly profficient, or mildly interested, in the subject be allowed to take a "H3" version of the subject? Look, I may not be the most interested or most profficient in chem. But compared to 99.99% of the "H3 elites" out there, I'll bet you anything my passion and understanding of the subject is much greater.

Fine, so you can't beat me in arguing cos I'm a bastard who likes to throw mind boggling sentence structures and unsettling arguments at you, and also because you can't keep up with the flow of my sentences. So go ahead, call me a whiner, say the other people met the target of "all A and B" while I, the loser, didn't manage to do it. But hey, LOOK! its called H3 CHEM, for fuck's sake, WHY SHOULD ANYONE CARE BOUT THE OTHER SUBJECTS.

I feel like just giving up on the subject as a whole. I don't even understand why I'm doing the stupid tutorials on time. I feel like I should just leave chem alone and treat it like any other subject, like maths. What for...?

The worst part is that my closest friend is among them. So I can't hate as much as I'd like to. zz.

2009-01-14T20:48:00.001+08:00

Had the 1st chem lecture of the year today...
Nothing astronomically difficult...
But there's something about chem is bugging me.
Everytime the word "H3" is mentioned, it jumps out at me like a sting.

2nd (tied position) in level for chem... not taking H3 chem, while fidiots with barely more than 70% take it. Ironic.

Chem lessons will never be the same again. While I remain to pursue my perfect excellence in the subject, its no longer out of passion. Its out of vengeance. I swear I'll beat every H3 chem canditates in the subject they're supposed to be so good at that they have to go learn extra stuff. Every.Single.One.Of.Them.

2009-01-06T20:09:00.000+08:00

Lets just... forget bout posting about china and japan alright?
I doubt I have the ability to accurately imprint the experiences onto words anyway... so I might as well save myself of the humiliation.
I have the pictures to help me remember... so a post doesn't seem neccessary.

I guess this is supposed to be a new year post... of sorts. Never mind that it is a few days late.

The holidays have passed in a flurry, mm, what am I talking about, the whole of 2008 passed in a flurry. I remember the day I started out in JC... uncertain of whether I'll ever make it to J2 -- JC was still a risky option for me then. And poof, I'm a J2 all of a sudden. It seems my worries were misplaced, thats one thing that surprised me, among many. That one would be a pleasant surprise, no doubt. One of the few among a rather long list of surprises. So many changes... all within a year. So many new friendships, I must have tried my hand at friendship-- at which I am exceptionally bad-- more than the other years put together. Unsurprisingly many of these tries turned out as....well, failures.

Sounds mean? Mmm, yea, get used to it.

I'm testing my theories, on friendship and such. I've never found an area where my theories can get more wrong though. What little success I've had should be attributed to luck more than anything else.

Disappointment, its something I've had to deal with. Though I guess the year has humbled me, by a fraction of an inch or so, so that I realise that perhaps I've disappointed a fair number of people as well. Broken promises... my word was absolute, back then... I was certain. But you were right, things change, in a manner which I cannot comprehend. My word still holds, of course, if you ever find a need...or more importantly, if you don't mind.

All in all... a rather...exotic year. Gifts? Finally learning how to properly apply my abilities is a gift I guess. And the ups and downs, and all the drifting aparts, I might get motion sickness soon. But I guess to the many...they would say those experiences are gifts as well?

I beg to differ.

2008-12-08T11:35:00.000+08:00

Back from China trip!

Feels like a dream... can't believe 8 days passed so fast.
Never had a better time in my life, I'll miss those days...

ANYWAY, a full recount would be good right about now before I forget all the details.
And what better way is there to start off a post other than with pictures? So here we go...

On the plane... where everything begins.

I dunno what to say for the plane ride other than er, it was fun.Suaku weifeng was taking pictures of clouds, I'll show you.

And on we go...

Upon arrival at the airport we... checked in experienced first hand how tight the security in China was. No sarcasm there, surprisingly. Any little bit of metal sets off that damn machine they have, I'm referring to stuff like buttons and zips, fetarded. Nope, that was not a typo.

Took photos then moved to the hotel... nothing much to say bout there...

Day two...

Visit to some school. It was quite fun, moderately lol.
'我喜欢打篮球，弹吉他“
“我喜欢看人打篮球，看人谈吉他，和睡觉”
lol. Go figure.
And there was the basket... ah nvm.

Then dinner...

Moving on to next day...

Visted some mountain I think.
Not nearly as tall as the other mountains we climbed so not very impressing altogether. Significance? Two words. Fans,drums.

Crap I'm tired again, will be back...